People Pleasing vs. Appeasing: They’re Not the Same Damn Thing

People throw around the term “people pleaser” like it explains everything.

“Oh, I’m just a people pleaser.”

Maybe.

But sometimes what you’re doing isn’t really people pleasing. Sometimes you’re appeasing.

And I think there’s a big damn difference.

People pleasing is when you say yes because you want someone to like you, approve of you, think you’re helpful, think you’re nice, or not be disappointed in you.

You agree to shit you don’t actually want to do.

You say, “Sure, that’s fine,” when it is absolutely not fine.

You volunteer for things you don’t have time for.

You keep everyone else comfortable while quietly getting more pissed off and resentful.

That’s people pleasing.

Appeasing feels different.

Appeasing is when saying no doesn’t even feel like a real option.

You’re not necessarily trying to be liked.

You’re trying to keep the peace.

You’re trying to prevent an argument.

You’re trying to keep someone from getting mad, shutting down, guilt-tripping you, criticizing you, or making your life miserable.

So instead of saying what you actually think, you go along with it.

You say yes.

You change your plans.

You shut your mouth.

You tell yourself, “Whatever. It’s easier this way.”

That isn’t always people pleasing.

Sometimes that’s fear.

Sometimes that’s conditioning.

Sometimes you learned a long-ass time ago that saying no came with consequences.

Maybe someone got angry.

Maybe they gave you the silent treatment.

Maybe they made you feel selfish.

Maybe they acted like your boundaries were an attack.

So your brain learned:

Just say yes and avoid the bullshit.

And now you do it automatically.

That’s where appeasing can become such a problem.

Because from the outside, it looks like you’re agreeing.

But inside?

You’re not agreeing at all.

You’re complying.

And those are two very different things.

There is also a difference between being kind and abandoning yourself.

You can be a generous person and still say no.

You can care about someone and still disappoint them.

You can love someone and still have a boundary.

You can understand why somebody wants something and still say, “Nope. I’m not doing that.”

The goal isn’t to become an asshole.

The goal is to stop treating everyone else’s feelings like they are your responsibility.

Because every time you say yes when you mean no, your nervous system knows.

Your resentment knows.

Your exhaustion knows.

Your anxiety sure as hell knows.

And eventually you start getting mad at everybody else for things you technically agreed to.

That’s usually the sign.

If you constantly hear yourself saying:

“Fine.”

“Whatever.”

“I guess.”

“It’s easier if I just do it.”

“I don’t want them mad at me.”

“I don’t feel like dealing with their reaction.”

Pay attention.

That may not be people pleasing.

That may be appeasing.

And the work isn’t just learning how to say no.

The work is learning that somebody being upset with your no does not mean your no was wrong.

That part is hard as hell.

But it matters.

Because a boundary isn’t really a boundary if it disappears the second somebody doesn’t like it.

And sometimes the healthiest thing you can say is:

No. I don’t want to.

No long explanation.

No apology tour.

No five-paragraph defense.

Just no.

And then let them have their feelings about it.

Be good to yourself.

Jennifer Kelley, LMSW-CCATP